Urban legends. Tall tales. Rumors. We all know the deal with these things, right? Everybody knows a guy who knows a guy who heard something from his sister’s friend’s boyfriend’s cousin’s hairdresser’s dog about something that definitely happened, no matter how far fetched it sounds. Sometimes you tell this guy to go tell that dog to pound sand. Then that dog sends a couple of pitbulls to rough you up for having an attitude. Then you gotta go to the hot dog stand looking stupid with your hair messed up and your jacket ripped, and you gotta think about that while you’re bleeding on your onions rings. Why’d you have to tell off that dog, anyway? He’s a pug, everybody knows they’re no good. They’re always up to something. As a matter of fact- Oh right, I’m supposed to be writing stories here.
The Pompadour Man
Ever have sleep paralysis? It’s fuckin’ weird, lemme tell you. You’re lying there and you feel like you’re wide awake, but you can’t move. Sometimes you see weird shit. Everybody’s heard of The Hat Man, but only us Italians have to deal with The Pompadour Man when we get this. So you’re lying in bed minding your own business, then all of a sudden you start hearing Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons coming on. That’s some good fuckin’ music right there, but you can’t snap your fingers and tap your toes because you got that paralysis goin’ on. Then you see a shadowy figure. Blacker than black, but you can tell by the outline that it’s a guy with a pompadour and a leather jacket, and he ain’t exactly your paisano, you know? He’s either gonna ask if you got any smokes or if you know where to find parts for a 1953 Hudson Hornet, but don’t answer him. Not that you can, because of that sleep paralysis shit, but if you get so much as a squeak out, this fuckin’ guy will go on and on about how he knows a guy who can get it to him faster for cheaper. So why the fuck didn’t he go to this guy? The fuckin’ balls on this ghost. This prick ain’t no good.
The Haunted Deli
This one’s a little different. There’s a deli on Staten Island that everybody says is haunted by The Gaba-Ghoul. Nobody knows what that is because they haven’t seen it. It probably doesn’t exist. But if you go into this deli and ask about The Gaba-Ghoul, the owner’s wife gets all pissed off. Usually she’ll just chase you out with a rolling pin, but if you get lucky and she starts throwing stuff, you might catch a free sausage.
Paulie Asiago
This one was started by some kids. Everybody’s heard of Pagliacci the clown, but kids can’t say it right so that’s probably how they came up with this. Anyway, Paulie Asiago is some kinda bad dude, and they say you can summon him. First you gotta go to the harbor between 11:17 pm and 2:32 am, but he takes his lunch break between 12:42 and 12:57 so don’t try it then. Start walking backwards and zigzag between the cargo containers. Do that for about 10 minutes, then start skipping and singing Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi. Grab whatever you see on the ground in front of you and throw it into the ocean. Find something to start smacking the cargo containers. Make as much noise as you can. That’s when a big scary man with a bright light shows up and asks what you’re doing, so then you run.
You know, I’m starting to think that these little punks just pissed off the security guard or something.
The Onion Rings
So, get this. You know that horror movie, The Ring? The one with the undead Japanese chick in the haunted video tape who crawls out of your TV screen when you watch it? This ain’t anything like that. Big Eddie’s Burgers on Coney Island has really good onion rings. That’s all this is. Make sure you ask for the special sauce.
The Ghost of Tony Soprano
We all know The Sopranos, right? Great fuckin’ show. Too bad about James Gandolfini, huh? He wasn’t that old when he went. Word has it that his ghost still haunts North Caldwell, New Jersey. Weird, right? That ain’t where he lived. And get this- he thinks he’s Tony Soprano in the afterlife. Rumor has it that under a full moon, you can see him shuffling down the driveway of that house to pick up the paper. What fuckin’ paper is that anyway? Is it a paper from back when he was alive? Do ghosts get up to date news? Is it our news or ghost news? How the fuck does that work? Sometimes he’s out back feeding the ducks, but that’s the same fuckin’ problem. Are they ghost ducks? Where’s the bread coming from? Can you feed ghost bread to real ducks? Shit’s not even real. The ducks gotta be ghosts too or else this doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense. So anyway, the other cast members from the show and his real family aren’t there. I guess he finally got some peace and quiet, huh?
Big Ernie the Meat Wizard
This one’s fuckin’ stupid. I ain’t tellin’ you about it.