Greetings, Audience! Though I, Mick Murton, usually tend to focus on current happenings in our present days of the 19th century, today I decided to share something special with you. An ancestor of mine from the 18th century, Obadiah Longshanks Murton, was the notorious captain of a pirate vessel, and he kept a very detailed log in which he also chronicled his great wisdom. This wisdom has been passed down through the Murton family for generations, and today I decided that I must share it with you all. I hope you enjoy it!
The Quarrelsome Crew
One day aboard the pirate ship, the First Mate, seeking wisdom, approached the Captain with a dilemma.
"Captain," began the First Mate, "Two of the crew are arguing. One thinks that the ship could benefit from Marxist policies, whereas the other thinks that we should adopt a more fascist approach."
The Captain thought about this for a minute, then asked the First Mate to bring these two sailors into the Captain's quarters. When they arrived, the Captain drew his gun, savagely pistol whipped both of them, then ordered the sailors to get back to work or he would make them walk the plank.
"What did you just do?" asked the First Mate.
"Both of those idiots want to live under an oppressive dictator. Knowing this, I beat their asses and gave them what they want. They won't be a problem anymore." The First Mate was enlightened.
On Sustainability
On a calm day at sea, the crew had a discussion. "It seems to me," began the first crew member, "that our lifestyle of rabid consumption is unsustainable."
"What do you mean?" asked the second crew member.
"We're after treasure, aren't we?" posited the first crew member.
"Of course. We're pirates. That's how we make our money," the second crew member replied.
"And yet there cannot be an infinite supply of treasure. Is it not irresponsible to attempt to claim it all for ourselves simply so we can exchange it for, what exactly? Weapons of war for further treasure hunting? Rum? Some short lived glory, perhaps?" The crew pondered this, then one of them noticed the Captain approaching.
"I know! Let's ask Captain Murton what he thinks." The crew approached the Captain and recapped their discussion, then asked him for his thoughts on whether there can be ethical consumption under piracy. The captain was surprised to hear these concerns, then gave them a simple reply.
"Why the fuck are you on my ship if you're not trying to get rich by plundering?" The crew was enlightened.
On Choosing Your Allies Wisely
It was a calm night at sea. The First Mate was keeping watch from the crow's nest when he noticed a ship drawing near. He drew his spyglass for a closer look, and realized that it was a rival pirate crew. "Captain! We've got trouble!"
The crew assembled on the ship's deck, and they could see who it was that they were dealing with - it was Captain Saladin and his crew. Slave raiders from the Barbary Coast. But what were they doing here?
Captain Saladin's crew loaded up their ship's cannons and fired. Captain Murton managed to duck just in time as a cannon ball whizzed past his head. Luckily, nobody was hit. "All hands on deck!" roared Captain Murton. "Prepare to return fire!"
"Wait!" a member of the crew shouted. "Don't return fire! It's what the Jews want!" Captain Murton was bewildered.
"What fucking Jews?"
"Captain! Saladin and his men are our Based Brown Allies! They could be of great use against our Kosher overlords!" Captain Murton was very confused by this. Just then, Saladin's cannons fired again. Chain shot shredded one of the sails on the ship.
"You lousy dickhead!" roared Captain Murton as he hoisted the interrupting sailor over his head and threw him overboard. "Does anyone else want to make a conspiracy theory about who's really running my ship, or are we gonna fight back?" The crew was enlightened, and proceeded to fight to a hard earned victory.
Fears of the Fearless
It was a beautiful day in the pirate settlement of Rum Island. All the pirates would gather there with their fresh hauls of treasure after a successful voyage for some rest and relaxation. Captain Murton and his crew happened to be visiting that day.
The First Mate took the newer members of the crew to the tavern. They were enjoying mugs of ale and grog when the First Mate proposed a toast. His face flushed red, he held up his mug and declared "To Captain Murton! Our brave and glorious leader! A true warrior of the sea who fears no man!" The new crew members all held their mugs high and cheered in unison.
Phyllis the tavern wench, a pleasant old woman, overheard them. "Captain Murton may fear no man, but we all know how he feels about that woman!" The First Mate laughed nervously, and the crew became curious. One of them approached Phyllis to ask what woman she was talking about. "Ah... It's better that the man tell ya himself," she said.
The night went on and the crew drank themselves into a stupor. The next morning, the tavern keeper came through to wake them and force them to leave - common work in a pirate tavern. One of the crew approached the First Mate as they cleared out.
"Who was that woman Phyllis mentioned last night?" asked the crew member. "The one that our brave Captain is afraid of?"
"Ha, ya remember that?" The First Mate seemed nervous again. "I shouldn't tell ya... But I will say that she took the Captain for everything he was worth." Now the crew was really interested.
The day went on and eventually, the crew all gathered back together on the ship. Captain Murton made his roll call. One of the sailors raised his hand.
"For fuck's sake sailor, this is not a first grade class," growled the Captain. "Put your hand down."
"But I have a question. We're all dying to know the answer to this one!" Captain Murton sighed.
"Alright. What is it?" The crew member gulped.
"Um... We've heard rumors... About a fearsome lady pirate that even you fear, Captain." Captain Murton was puzzled by this.
"Fearsome lady pirate? Did you all get brain damage from the cheap hooch at that filthy tavern or something?"
"No, Captain! The First Mate made a toast and said that you fear no man, then Phyllis at the tavern mentioned 'that woman,' and..." Captain Murton turned to the First Mate.
"What did you tell them?" The First Mate explained how he only mentioned that she took him for everything he had. Captain Murton nodded and turned to the crew.
"That was no lady pirate, that was my ex wife." The crew was not enlightened this time, but quite shocked.