Greetings, dear reader! I, Mick Murton, have taken the liberty of transcribing more of the ship logs kept by my ancestor - Obadiah Longshanks Murton, the notorious pirate. Once again, though he was a vicious pirate, he was also known for his wisdom. His crew learned a lot from him and applied these lessons in life long after their seafaring adventures came to an end. I do hope that you are able to learn from his wisdom as well. Cheerio!
On Good Food and Good Cheer
It was a dark and stormy night on the seas. Rain fell in droves over the deck of the ship, and the wind driven waves were rocking the decks just enough so that the crew couldn't get to sleep. The First Mate was particularly troubled. This would surely be a disaster for the crew's morale.
The First Mate entered the Captain's quarters. Captain Murton was sitting at his desk, seemingly in a daze.
"Captain," the First Mate began, "The crew is restless. They're having trouble sleeping through the storm."
Captain Murton raised his head and gave the First Mate a baleful look. "No shit. You think I haven't noticed?" The First Mate chuckled sheepishly. "I should be asleep myself. This weather's a real pain in the arse."
"Aye Captain, it is. Is there anything we can do on a dark and stormy night like this to keep morale up?"
The Captain thought about this. "Well there isn't really anything that - hang on, what kind of night did you say it is?"
The First Mate was caught off guard. "It's, uh, dark and stormy, Captain."
The Captain produced a jug of rum from his desk drawer and pondered it for a bit. "Have we got any ginger beer in the hold?"
The crew found a few barrels of ginger beer and brought them to the Captain's quarters. Captain Murton was overjoyed to see it and ordered the chef to prepare a feast. The crew ate well and drank ginger beer mixed with rum - a drink known as a Dark and Stormy.
With their bellies full of good food and good drink, the crew was able to sleep through the storm. The next day, the crew was in good spirits all around. The First Mate, seeing the fruits of the Captain's generosity, was enlightened.
On Hospitality and Being a Good Host
The Wisdom of Captain Murton
The crew was gathered on the main deck of the ship. Captain Murton and the First Mate looked over them from the quarter deck.
"Alright," began the First Mate, "we understand that some of the crew have smuggled a woman on board. Where is she?"
Captain Murton raised an eyebrow. "Look," he stated, "that's obviously her right there." He pointed to what was clearly an overweight woman dressed in ill fitting men's clothes.
The First Mate nodded. "Step forward, missy" he ordered the stowaway. "As for the rest of you - not only have you enabled a stowaway, you've put us all in a bad situation. Don't you know that it's bad luck to have a woman on the ship?"
"But she needs our help!" replied a member of the crew. "She told us that she felt like she was in danger on Rum Island!"
"That's not our problem!" roared the Captain. "We're pirates. We ARE the danger."
"But Captain, she's been so nice to us!" said another crew member. "And that old superstition about having a woman on board? That's ridiculous!" The rest of the crew joined in protest. The Captain rolled his eyes.
"Alright, fine. She stays for now." He then addressed the stowaway directly. "But you will stop pretending to be a member of my crew. Go put your normal clothes on." Captain Murton gave the wheel to the navigator and returned to the captain's quarters with the First Mate. "We'll let them learn this lesson the hard way."
The stowaway was named Priscilla. She was the daughter of Rum Island's chief, though she concealed this fact from Captain Murton and his crew. Growing up she had everything a young girl could hope for, but still felt like it wasn't enough. She felt like it was time for her to go out into the world and tell everyone how to do things - after all, she was taught by the most expensive tutors in the Caribbean. No mere commoner could possibly have such a full grasp of the world and its complexities as her, least of all these filthy pirates.
Priscilla emerged from below decks, wearing a common woman's dress as to not reveal her status. She strolled leisurely across the main deck, taking in the sights and sounds. The creaking of the wooden ship. The lapping of the waves. The sound of sailors singing sea shanties. Then, she noticed something that offended her deeply. A sailor happened to be passing by. She grabbed him by the arm.
"Excuse me, I have a complaint." The sailor was bewildered. Priscilla continued. "Why are there so many white men on this ship?"
"What? Who else would be here?" asked the sailor.
Deckhand Ephraim, a man from Africa, overheard the conversation and joined in. "What is your problem with these men?" Ephraim asked. "You yourself are white. They are your people."
Priscilla was shocked. "Oh my goodness! A slave!" she exclaimed.
Ephraim was clearly angered by this. "I am not a slave! These men rescued me from bondage. They let me join their crew as an equal."
Priscilla was taken aback. After a nervous pause, she turned back to the other sailors. "I suppose you all see yourselves as white saviors, then?"
An angry voice roared over the others. "What the fuck is going on here?" It was Captain Murton. "Why aren't you all working?"
"It's our guest," responded one of the crew. "She's got a problem with the crew."
Captain Murton turned to Priscilla. "What's wrong with my crew?"
Priscilla crossed her arms. "I wouldn't expect a privileged white man like you to understand."
"Privileged?" Murton and his crew were confused. After all, most of them ended up on this ship after a prison break. They risked their lives to commandeer this ship and regain their freedom on the high seas.
"She called me a slave!" Deckhand Ephraim interjected. "Tell her that I am free!"
Captain Murton decided it was now best to defuse the situation. "Alright, alright. That's enough of this. All crew, get back to work. As for you, Missy," he said as he glared at Priscilla, "no more interruptions."
Several days went by. Despite the Captain's warning, Priscilla wouldn't stop arguing with the crew. Eventually, everyone was fed up with her. The whole crew was gathered on the main deck, and formed a circle around her. Priscilla understood the grave nature of the situation and was heavily distraught.
"You're all overreacting," one of the crew told the others. "Priscilla is not so bad."
"You are a simp!" Deckhand Ephraim shouted. "What is wrong with this woman? First she complains that she thinks I am a slave, then she starts making demands of me. She has no consistency!" The gathered crew jeered.
"I'm tired of her telling us that we don't know what it's like to struggle," another crew member said. "I was a beggar before I joined this crew!" More jeers rang out.
"What should we do, Captain?" asked the First Mate. Captain Murton pondered his next move, when the sound of distant cannon fire rang out.
"It's Captain Saladin!" shouted a crew member stationed in the crow's nest. "He's back!" As the crew scrambled and got into position for battle, an evil grin creeped over Captain Murton's face.
"Wait! I've got a better idea. Raise the white flag."
The two ships met and dropped anchor. Captain Murton and his retinue crossed the gang plank to Saladin's ship. They had Priscilla in tow, bound and gagged. She struggled against the ropes tying her arms behind her back, but it was no use.
Captain Saladin stood before Captain Murton with his arms crossed. He was an imposing figure, with or without his retinue at his side - no less so because of his cool, confident demeanor. "So this woman is your peace offering?"
"Aye," Murton responded. "She's yours if you promise to leave us alone." Captain Saladin considered this deal, then shook Murton's hand.
"From now on, the Saladin Pirates and Murton Pirates shall not trouble one another." And with that, the deal was done.
Murton's crew gathered around as their captain returned to his own ship. The gang plank was taken down and the two ships parted ways. The crew was elated to hear that Saladin would no longer trouble them. The Captain took his place on the quarter deck, then addressed the crew.
"Alright, listen up. Now do you see why we say that it's bad luck to have a woman on the ship?" The crew remained quiet, listening intently. "It isn't some mysterious force. Her presence and her behavior caused lots of problems." The crew was beginning to understand. "I know who that was. She was born rich. She's never had to work for anything in her life, and she feels guilty about it. So she thought she could make herself feel better by projecting that guilt onto us. But we're not like her, are we men?" The assembled crew perked up at this. "We're pirates. Everything we have, we risked our life for. Now let's go get more." The crew was enlightened as they cheered and readied the ship for their next adventure.
Blood from a Stone
Captain Murton and his crew had just recently boarded another ship. There was no resistance to speak of, which everyone thought was strange. The Captain, the First Mate, and the rest of the boarding party returned to the ship empty handed.
"What's going on?" asked a crew member. "Why are you returning empty handed?"
"It's a zoological research vessel. There's nothing on there but penguins," the First Mate answered.
"What's a penguin worth?"
"Uh, not much," responded the First Mate. "They're not marketable goods. They're alive."
"Can you rob them?" asked the crew member.
"Can I rob them?" Captain Murton responded. "They're penguins."
"You can't rob them, Captain? How tough are they?"
Captain Murton stared at the crew member in disbelief. "Why are you asking if they're tough? They're penguins!"
"Are they legendary warriors?"
At this point, Captain Murton was beginning to feel frustrated. "Dickhead, they're fucking penguins! Do you know what a penguin is?" The crew member was too nervous to respond. "They're flightless birds. They have nothing. Let's just go."
The crew was thusly educated.
The Carpenter and the Kraken
It was a calm day at sea. The ship's carpenter, Big Jim, decided to take a leisurely stroll on the main deck. He didn't do much work aside from ship repairs, but nobody seemed to mind. He was an old sailor - older than most - and he did good work... when he did any work.
Big Jim decided to lean against the main mast and pop open a bottle of Kraken Ultra. The company that makes Kraken claims that it's made from brewing the leaves of the maté tree and that it provides a healthy energy boost that's stronger than coffee. Most sailors, however, think it's just mildly addictive and tastes like garbage. Big Jim took a swig and looked around at the ship.
"They don't make 'em like they used to. Heh." The navigator happened to be walking by, so Jim stopped him. "Hey kid, I used to sail on a 1682 Spanish Caravel with a tiller. Whatchu know about that?"
The navigator groaned. "Jim, you told me this before. I know. The tiller was below decks and us young navigators who get to steer from up top with a wheel wouldn't last a day on that old caravel. They didn't stop making ships this way because we're all weak now, you know. This new style is just a better design."
Jim seemed taken aback. "Well, fine. Guess I'll just keep my mouth shut." They both knew that was a lie.
After he finished his drink, Jim decided to take a walk to the galley. The cook was there, stirring a cauldron of something that smelled terrible.
"Hey Earl, whatchu got cookin?"
The chef looked up from his work. He was a big, grizzled, greasy man. He wasn't swift enough to be in a raiding party, but the crew could always rely on him to hold his own when enemies boarded the ship. "Hey Jim. Just the usual stew." A fish head floated to the top of the broth as he spoke.
"That's some good eatin'," Jim replied. Earl shrugged. This was just some crap he would throw together using the scraps from the Captain's dinner and whatever else was laying around.
Captain Murton entered the galley and went straight to Earl. "Chef, keep the rum locked up. Someone's been stealing it again."
Big Jim was happy to see Captain Murton arrive. He used to work with the Captain's dad, after all. "Hey kid, come over here! I got a question for ya."
Captain Murton wasn't surprised to see Jim there. He spent a lot of his downtime in the galley, chatting with the cooking crew. The Captain checked his pocket watch. He had time, so why not? He's known Jim for his whole life. "Alright, what's going on old timer?"
"Well, there's something I'm curious about. What's the point of this story?"
The Captain was confused. "What?"
"You know, the moral," Jim continued. "Don't these usually end with some kind of lesson?"
Captain Murton gave Jim a wide eyed stare. He felt like he must be losing it. "You need to stop drinking that Kraken garbage, old man."
Jim was enlightened, and from that day forward, he just drank the coffee from the galley if he needed a boost.