Greetings, dear reader! I, Mick Murton, have taken the liberty of transcribing more of the ship logs kept by my ancestor - Obadiah Longshanks Murton, the notorious pirate. Once again, though he was a vicious pirate, he was also known for his wisdom. His crew learned a lot from him and applied these lessons in life long after their seafaring adventures came to an end. I do hope that you are able to learn from his wisdom as well. Cheerio!
A Challenger Appears
Today's story begins on a different ship. It was the dawn of a new day. The crew had just awakened below decks and had begun their daily routine of washing up and shaving their faces. Their captain, in his quarters, likewise started the day with a good shave. After all, this ship belonged to Captain No-beard and his Clean Shaven Crew, the greatest terror on the high seas... or so they thought. Today, they were in pursuit of an old enemy - the Murton Pirates. Things had taken a turn for the better on No-beard's ship. Thanks to a recent deal, they were able to renovate their ship. Now, not only were they the best dressed and most well groomed pirates in the Caribbean, they had a ship to match!
First Mate Percival was in the crow's nest. He looked around with his spyglass and was delighted to see that they were closing in on their mark. "Oh, Captain!" he called out. "I've spotted those loathsome brutes!"
"Splendid!" replied Captain No-beard. "Navigator, set a course."
On Captain Murton's ship, it was Big Jim's turn in the crow's nest. He took a swig of rum from his flask and looked around. Seeing another ship closing in, he drew his own spyglass to take a look. "Ah, fuck," he muttered. "Captain!" he shouted. "Those fuckin' sissy boys found us."
Captain Murton was at the ship's wheel when he heard Jim call out. "You gotta be kidding me. Alright men, drop anchor. We'll let them meet us." The crew groaned. They all really hated these guys.
No-beard's ship pulled up alongside Murton's. There was a sharp contrast between their freshly painted ship and Murton's raggedy vessel. No-beard and his retinue crossed over on the gang plank with a cocky sureness about themselves that Murton couldn't stand. The two captains met.
"Well then," No-beard began, "if it isn't my arch rival."
"You lily livered sissies really think we're rivals?" Murton replied.
No-beard was taken aback. "Ahem... Well perhaps we weren't on equal footing last time, but things have changed." He drew a piece of parchment from his coat pocket and unfolded it, showing it off to Murton's whole crew. "Behold! I've obtained a Letter of Marque from the British Crown. That makes us legitimate privateers. We're in the big time now. What say you about that, hm?"
Captain Murton was unimpressed. "So you sold out."
Captain No-beard scoffed. "I wouldn't expect scoundrels like you to understand. After I caught word of your little truce with that monster, Saladin, I knew that something must be done. You see, this gives us a number of legal advantages that your so-called freedom could never-"
Captain Murton abruptly tore the letter from No-beard's hands as he spoke. He then proceeded to chewed it up and spit it out onto the deck. "Fuck the crown."
"You barbarian!" exclaimed No-beard. "Do you have any idea what you've done? You've given us no choice but to-"
No-beard was interrupted once again by the sounds of panic from his own ship. "Fire! They've set fire to our fine vessel!" Unbeknownst to No-beard or his crew, Deckhand Ephraim and a small crew of Murton's other sailors had snuck aboard, doused the decks in lamp oil, and set it ablaze.
"Good job, men!" Murton shouted, commending his crew on a job well done. "And as for you," he said as he turned to No-beard, "looks like you've got more important things to do than lecturing us."
Murton and his crew sailed away, heckling the No-beard pirates as they went. They all had a good laugh as they watched that overly proud crew fumble with the fire buckets as they tried to douse the flames.
"Fuck those guys," Captain Murton declared. The crew was enlightened.
Isle of the Bud Eaters
It was the start of another chill day on Bud Island. The sun reached its noontime zenith in the blue sky above, and the residents began to awake from their slumber. It was another beautiful sunny day, with mild temperatures. Things were always chill here.
There was no leader and no hierarchy here. Everyone was just chill, you know? Stuff got done when it needed to, most of the time. It's fine, man. Everybody loved it here. Most of the residents arrived after a shipwreck. Some of them were sailors from visiting crews who decided to stay. It didn't matter how you showed up though - everyone was welcome.
Mavis was the first to wake up as usual. He rummaged through his stuff until he found what he was looking for - a bud! Bud Island was famous for its reefer. Wait, was it? It should be. This stuff was great, man. Mavis ground his bud, packed a pipe, and lit that shit. "Wake and bake, man. Perfect way to start your day."
The more ambitious residents were out in the fields, tending to the crops - especially the reefer crops. They worked at a leisurely pace. After all, what's the rush? Everything you could want is right here.
The residents wore clothing that, aside from the garish dyes used to color it, was pretty simple. You just need something practical and comfortable here. Loose fitting shirts and pants, and a bandana or a hat to keep the sun off your head. Sunburn is no good, man. You can always rub some reefer oil on that shit though. After a few hours of work, it was time for everyone to toke up. Far out.
While everyone was busy, a ship flying a black flag pulled up. It was the Murton Pirates. Landing boats came ashore, carrying Captain Murton and his party.
"So this is the island?" Captain Murton asked.
"It is," Big Jim replied. "They must have some kind of great treasure here. Many sailors have ventured onto this land and decided to stay."
"Are you sure it's not just dangerous?" asked the First Mate.
"What are you, scared?" Captain Murton teased his second in command. "Come on. We're dead men walking anyway."
As Mavis wandered along the beach, he saw the new arrivals. "Woah man, no way! We got visitors!"
The crew turned to look at the strange man approaching them. He was unkempt, with long scraggly hair and a wild beard. This didn't bother them - pirates are no different.
"Ahoy, landlubber!" shouted Captain Murton. "We're here for your treasure." He gripped the hilt of his cutlass as he spoke. "Now show us where you're hiding it, or I'll cut your gizzard out."
Mavis held his hands up. "Take it easy, man. There's plenty for everyone. We got way more than you need, I promise."
Captain Murton thought this was strange. Is this guy an idiot? Though it probably wouldn't hurt to play along for now. "Alright, alright. We'll follow you."
They walked slowly at first, until Murton ordered the First Mate to kick Mavis in the ass until he started walking faster, and to do it again if he slowed down. They finally arrived at their destination - the reefer fields.
"What the hell is this?" Murton bellowed.
"It's the treasure, man. I can tell you guys need it." He rubbed his bottom, which was now sore from all the kicking. "You guys are savages." The crew took that as a compliment.
As they scratched their heads, wondering what was going on, an old gray bearded man wandered through the fields. He wore rose tinted glasses and held a strange glass device, which was filled with water and had a small pipe coming off the side.
"I heard the commotion. Sounds like you guys could use a hit so I brought my good bong."
Jim recognized the strange man instantly. "Jerry? What are you doing here? I thought you died when our old ship wrecked!"
"Oh yeah, I remember!" Jerry exclaimed. "Man, that was something else. Good thing I washed up here. I've just been chilling with these dudes and enjoying this exquisite bud." He lit the bong and took a hit. "Hey Jim, when did you get so old?"
"Jerry, I haven't seen you for 28 years. We're both old."
Jerry was struck by this revelation. There's no way it could have been 28 years! He just washed up here not that long ago, right? It was only... How long was it?
The First Mate was starting to put the pieces together. "Captain. I've heard about this reefer plant before. Men start smoking it because it can help you relax without the harsh effects of alcohol, but it makes you complacent. We shouldn't let the men have any-"
Before he could finish, the Captain was already shouting. "Fucking hell Ephraim, don't inhale that!" The whole crew looked over and could see Deckhand Ephraim holding Jerry's bong and a lighter, frozen in place.
"Apologies, Captain," Ephraim said as he gave it back.
"Now. Where's the real treasure?" the Captain asked.
"Right here, man," Jerry said as he gestured towards the field.
"This is what you call the greatest treasure on Earth?" Jerry, Mavis, and the other island residents present all nodded. "You're not messing with us, are you?" The residents nodded again. Captain Murton groaned and turned to the crew.
"This place sucks. Let's just leave and let these idiots waste their lives." The crew was enlightened.
Embarking on an Epic Quest
Our story begins in a meeting hall, located in the mansion of a Spanish governor. The hall was exquisitely decorated. The governor called together all the bravest heroes of the Caribbean, seeking one who was willing to embark on a dangerous quest with the promise of a huge reward. The aspiring heroes sat lined up at the table as they eagerly awaited the governor's arrival.
Seated closest to the governor's seat was Armando Gutierrez, a Conquistador captain. Though their weapons and methods of battle were becoming antiquated, they were still well suited for dealing with enemies who lacked the latest equipment - and Armando had already proven himself to be quite capable.
Next was an American outlaw by the name of Samuel "Rawhide" Mackenzie. He and his band of cattle rustlers were on the run from the law back in America, but that didn't mean anything here in the Caribbean.
Third was a famed British explorer by the name of Lord Percival Livingston III. He was the oldest by far, but not to be underestimated - though he looked like a stuffy old grandpa who wore a monocle, Lord Percival was an accomplished leader of his exploratory forces. His decades of experience more than compensated for the strength and agility he had begun to lose with age.
Finally, there was the notorious Pirate captain - Captain No-Beard of the Clean Shaven Pirates. Known more for their flashy ship and exquisitely tailored outfits than for their combat prowess, the Clean Shaven Pirates were nonetheless a force to be reckoned with.
Lord Percival Livingston polished his monocle as he waited. "I say, old chaps, it's been quite a bit, hasn't it?"
"Sí," Gutierrez responded. "The governor sure seems to be keeping us waiting."
"Now hold on," Rawhide McKenzie chimed in. "Armando, ain't you Spanish? Where'd you learn such good English?"
"If we all speak the same language, it makes the story easier to read and write" he answered. Rawhide simply nodded in agreement.
The governor and his retinue then entered the meeting hall through the dignitaries' entrance. He strode towards the table, carrying himself with the usual aristocratic arrogance. His assistant readied the chair at the head of the table for him, and he sat. The governor took a good look around at the gathered adventurers before he began. "Well gentlemen, I assume you all know why you're he-"
A sudden, violent crack of splintering wood filled the meeting hall. Shocked, all eyes turned towards the rear entrance - it was Captain Murton and the First Mate of his crew, the Murton Pirates, who smashed their way in. "Fucking hell, if I knew this mansion was such a maze I would have made the navigator come with us."
"Good heavens!" Lord Percival exclaimed. "Who on Earth is this loathsome man?"
"Why, that would be my no-good rival," Captain No-Beard responded. "Captain Murton. A man known more for his foul mouth than for any sort of real skill."
"Who let that faggot No-Beard in here?" roared Murton as he jabbed his finger towards the table. "At least my crew is known for something. Nobody outside the men's bathhouse knows your name at all!"
"What did you just say?!" Incensed by Murton's comments, No-Beard immediately jumped to his feet and charged towards the other pirate.
"Savages," Lord Percival declared. "These pirates are nothing but savages."
Armando nodded in agreement. "They should not even be here."
"Let them boys fight and we'll go on about our business," Rawhide suggested.
"Right," the governor began. "As I was saying, I've called you all here because I have a quest suited only for the bravest of adventurers." His assistant handed him a rolled sheet of parchment. "You are to rescue a dragon who has been kidnapped by an evil princess."
"Hold on, a dragon?" Rawhide asked. "Are you pulling my leg?"
"Dios mio." Armando gripped the hilt of his sword as he spoke. "A dragon... I've never fought such a thing before."
"No no, Armando," the governor spoke. "I'll say it again. A dragon has been kidnapped by an evil princess. You're rescuing the dragon."
"How preposterous!" Lord Percival exclaimed. "I've never heard of such a thing in all my life."
"It is strange, I know," the governor continued. "If you're not interested, then you are free to leave."
Armando, Rawhide, and Lord Percival pondered the quest for a moment. It sounded outlandish. Why would a princess capture a dragon? Are dragons even real? They all secretly considered simply leaving. Then out of nowhere, with the sound of a loud smack, Captain No-Beard violently landed on the meeting table. He laid there unconscious, showing clear signs of having lost a bad fight. Captain Murton angrily stomped up to the governor, his fists clenched at his sides.
"Gimme that!" roared the Captain as he snatched the parchment from the governor's hand. "This quest is MINE. If any of you have a problem with that, you'll have to catch me first!" He bolted out the door, with his First Mate close behind.
The governor plainly wore his shock on his face like a cheap mask. He glanced over the others who sat at his table, pondering their lack of reaction. "Aren't any of you going to stop him?"
"Nah."